4ths Captain
Mike Kaye

Mar 06 - enlarge

25th March - Nottingham 1 Edge 0

A Cock & Bull Story

The revelation that Captain For the Game Gallagher had attended one of Lancashire’s premier private schools surprised Kaye and Young, who have known him for 15 years and always believed him to be one of their own: namely, a comprehensive cohort. After all, very little about Mr G’s demeanour – the carefully-groomed scally appearance, the full-blooded passion and his zest for all things Liverpudlian – would have revealed the lad to have been a former pupil of King Edward VIIth School, without doubt the finest educational establishment in Lytham St Annes and probably the whole of Blackpool.

If Kaye was surprised at this, Gallagher was equally amazed to meet the former’s sibling, Andrew, a half- brother, born of a young woman’s summer romance with a whirling Waltzer operator at Blackpool’s pleasure beach in 1957 and brought up in Freckleton, near Preston. But then again, which family doesn’t have its secrets? - click for photo

The game was played on the pitch at the National School in Hucknall. Goosedale would have been more fitting but a cock-up/crossed wire meant we had to suffer what many thought to be a poor surface.

With Edgbaston needing to win to stay up, this was a battle and the sort Team 4 relishes. Edge began strongly but looked vulnerable on the break and Nottingham went ahead within a couple of minutes from a penalty flick coolly converted by the ebullient Phil Young. He was back in the fold for the first time in two months, his sojourn to the 3s having had a galvinising effect on their season and, as always, it was a pleasure to have him in tow – 16 stone of Hertfordshire’s finest beef, with a hit as hard as a sledgehammer and an aerial capable of downing any low flying aircraft. Oh mama, oh daddy, on days like these he is the ONE. Trouble is he fucking knows it too and when he’s in that mood every hit, tackle and umpiring decision is his and his alone.

Another break from a long range Young pass saw Rob Britton undercut a strike that was destined for an Edge defender’s head. How he managed to get his stick there and deflect it away god only knows – it was an absolutely stunning piece of defending. Incredible.

The second half began as was expected, with the visitors playing with mucho gusto. Stout goalkeeping from Cole kept them out and they were unable to convert a series of short corners.

A kick sent Gallagher sprawling in an off-the-ball incident and the King Edward Scholar justifiably protested. Unfortunately, the manner of his protest (a shove in the fellow’s chest and his right fist, drawn back, ready to punch) lead to both players receiving yellows from the redoubtable Mr Michael Allen.* Another of Edge’s players went off for dissent and suddenly gaps were opening up.

Rob Britton’s hamstring pinged after a tumble with their captain on the edge of their D but the incident that drew a wince from all those who saw it was the sight of Jason Sisson’s little finger becoming dislocated . It stuck out at a right angle, something in the manner of the Dr Buxey’s cock when he hears the phrase “The Queen’s Head, Brighton.” Luckily, there was a nurse on the pitch who calmly and quickly clicked it back into place with only a slight wince from Mr “Balls of Steel” Sisson.

The intensity continued as Kaye and Lagerberg combined well down the right side. When Kaye was jabbed and elbowed as he made his way along the touchline toward their goal, umpire John Foreman had no hesitation in awarding a penalty stroke – “No, no – you cannot do that!” he told their player. There was little dissent from the oppo and up stepped the Hertfordshire Bull. Most were surprised to see the ball fly wide of the goal but they had underestimated his sense of sportsmanship. He claimed, afterwards, that his position – some 80 metres away – was superior to that of Mr F, who was a step or two away from the foul and that “it was not a 4th team level decision”. Who would have thought it – Mr Young, suddenly adopting the higher ground?! How long he can maintain it remains to be seen.

Eventually and thankfully, the whistle went, and along with it Edgbaston’s tenure in the division. And so we reached the denouement to a satisfying season – 4th place in the Premier League, the Kettering Festival Champions and the Ben Rhydding trophy. A satisfying return from Pearl Necklace of Nottingham Hockey Club and, as captain , I’d like to thank all the players who have made it such a rewarding job – I’ve enjoyed it immensely. My aching testes and tight groin are ready for a well-earned rest and, as our treasured webmaster, Mr Llewelyn says, it’s now time to go and rub in some of the old linseed oil.

Team: Cole, Kaye, Young, Buxey, Llewelyn, Gallagher, Sisson, Britton, Yallop S, Lagerberg, Rogers.

* The delicious irony of him bellowing at Kaye (who was merely asking for clarification of the punishment for the Edge miscreant) “Stop shouting at me!” was, it has to be said, a splendid moment, timeless in its delivery and priceless in its comedic value.

Report: MJK

Right-to-reply:
Mike Kaye, infamous captain of the 4th XI, as well as being Nottingham's answer to William McGonagle, has also perpetrated false accusations against an umpire in the recent Edgbaston game report.

When M. Allen was approached by an unshaven figure in a reeking yellow top demanding at full volume why he had made a decision, the said umpire quietly requested MK to turn the volume down. Never can it be said that M. Allen would ever raise his voice in a hockey match.

Thus there is no irony, no bellowing, no comedic value; just the sad efforts of a failed poet trying to achieve some immortality by mocking the great.

And by popular demand -
Captn Kaye's last report from the archives. Leek 12th November
Bridg victory (DL) - Bridgford 26th November
Edge 1-0 loss (MJK) - Egde 10th Dec
Barford 1 - 8 w (DL) - Barford 14th Jan
Cannock 2 -1 L (MJK) - Cannock 21st Jan
Bridge 5 - 2 w & night out (AG) - Bridge 28th Jan
Brum Uni 6-0 w (PY) - B'ham Uni 4th Feb
Beeston - pearl neclace (MJK) - Beeston 12th Feb
Leek stir fried - 5-2 (MJK) - Leek Feb 25
Bridged - 2 -0 w (MJK) - Bridge 5s mar11

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